Fantasies of Apologies

I have these fantasies that one day those who have hurt me (ex’s & coworkers, & ex-friends & associates) are going to be sorry & I’m not talking “revenge sorry”. The kind of sorry like, “oh I wish I had treated her better”…..

Deep down we all want an apology from someone. One of my most painful realizations is that someone can hurt me without regret or they deny doing hurtful things. I thought I was the master of letting go but I’m realizing to hold such a deep feeling is a

Grudge, n.v. ~ to be reluctant to give or admit / a deep seated feeling of resentment

My grudge is a resentment towards those not sorry for hurting me mixed with the fantasy that one day they will see the light and humbly apologize and then I can be like “You are forgiven”💫 but apologies don’t happen like that. They don’t flow like magic, like an end to Disney movie.

For most of my childhood I had this fantasy that my absent father would come and apologize for not being there and then take my brother and me to Disney land. I had this fantasy of an apology and an happily ever after but of course that never happened. I could go on and on about my apology fantasies from friends, to coworkers, to bosses, to strangers…. Etc. but that’s all they are fantasies.

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got

~ Robert Brault

I haven’t mastered this lesson yet I’m trying so very hard

If the elephants have past lives, yet are destined to remember / like you and I…..
they must have some temper”🎧

~ Elephants by Rachael Yamagata

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Getting Back In The Blogging Groove

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Lately, I’ve been out of my blogging groove. I’ve lost a dose of writing momentum. I attribute it to a mixture of things. The main issue being my stress about time. The ideal that I don’t have enough time mixed with the ideal of later……. ,”I’ll blog later when I have time”. But of course that time rarely comes.

The next major issue was the ideal of perfectionism………..,”I’ll blog later when I can make it extra grande”………… “I’ll blog later when my vision for the blog is clearer”. I still struggle with these concepts. I think it’s the virgo in me that wants to present a carefully written piece of work. Of course I still hope to make a great body of work but ultimately I’ve come to the conclusion that blogging should not be complicated. I’m not blogging for $, I’m not trying to change the world. I have no undercover agenda other that it’s an outlet to express myself and share with whoever may choose to step inside my world.

The final issue is my keyboard is jacked. Hence the photo with computer duster. Years worth of dust and crumbs have settled into my keyboard. My “u” stopped working a year ago. I’ve been cutting & pasting my “u’s”. As if that wasn’t annoying then my “n” went out. Sigh it’s a shame. I shall never be so reckless with my computer again. I’m cutting & pasting my “u’s” and “n’s” right this second. So tonight I’m going to blast my keyboard with the duster

Alone on a Saturday Night

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I fall asleep at the drop of a dime and then wake a few hours later excited about my off day. I’m too excited to sleep. I love my time spent alone. I’m pretty darn amazing. The greatest lesson being single has taught me has been to have fun by myself. Maybe that was the purpose all along. A life alone is just as beautiful and as purposeful as any other life.

 

Love and Relationships According to Eartha Kitt

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“I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me.  I want someone to share me with me.”

I saw a clip from Ms. Kitt’s 1982, All By Myself, bio-documentary a couple of years ago via my sister.  And since then, I had totally forgot about it.  It was not until I recently went onto Tumblr and saw some of the quotes that people had been using from this clip that I instinctively remembered it.  Quotes that related to Eartha’s views on being in love and sharing your love in a relationship.  And I find every one of her replies that she rebuttals back to the interviewer concerning this topic to be very mysterious, yet consciously penetrating, because I understand where she is coming from.

For years, I always thought that love was more about compromising some of yourself and sacrificing old habits…

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Pressed Natural Hair❤

I love, love natural hair but lately I’ve been wanting a switch up. Originally I wanted to color my hair light brown but since I applied two henna treatments to my hair last year no beautician would color my hair. I’ve been told, “It’ll melt your hair.” …………So I guess I’ll just have to embrace my jet black hair.

….. So I had my hair professionally pressed on 3/21/14………. Omg. I loved it. So much body and length. I have my bad hair days but now I know for sure I want to be natural forever. I love the versatility to be able to go from curly to straight.

I love my hair both ways but I love longer hair. I think it’s more flattering for on me. I can’t wait till my curly hair gets longer

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Exploring My Creativity and Passion

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“The more I explore my creativity & passions the more I find myself.”   Me

I’m learning I’m not some bland flavour. I’m spicy & sweet rolled up in a persona.  Far from vanilla. I’m a combo of pleasurable flavours. The more I dive into my passions- the more authentic I become….. the more I love living. I’m expressing myself in new ways and loving the process. My confidence is expanding.  I’m letting go of self doubt and stepping out the box. Every single person is a creative individual most don’t know because they don’t explore or the hit bumps in life and they steer off course. I aim to live the best life I can, explore my world, experience new things, find new passions and to soar as high as I can go.